What Actions Represent an Online Affair?

Is Flirting Considered Cheating? What about if you do it online only? Once?

However you answer that question, if you cross the line, it’s likely that a divorce lawyer will find out about your online transgressions. Posting personal information on social networks such as Facebook has made divorce lawyers’ job a lot easier.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or faced evidence found on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, YouTube and LinkedIn over the past five years, according to AP. Facebook leads the pack in terms of online evidence, with MySpace a distant second.

About one in five adults flirts on Facebook, according to a 2008 report by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. I’d guess that number is a bit conservative given that Facebook has only increased in popularity among married folks during the past couple of years. Think there’s any chance some of the adults were flirting with their spouses?

Social networking sites may make it easier to conduct affairs, but they also make it easier to be found out. And every e-mail, status update and tweet could then be aired in court when it comes time for a divorce. Divorce lawyers cite egregious examples of naughty behavior online such as the man who posts on Match.com that he’s single and childless only to later petition for sole custody of those non-existent children. Or the mom who denied smoking pot, but posts pictures of herself partying on Facebook.

“You’re finding information that you just never get in the normal discovery process — ever,” said divorce attorney Leslie Matthews. “People are just blabbing things all over Facebook. People don’t yet quite connect what they’re saying in their divorce cases is completely different from what they’re saying on Facebook. It doesn’t even occur to them that they’d be found out.”

In other words, think twice before you post pictures of you and your lover frolicking on the beach on your Facebook page.

50 Responses to “What Actions Represent an Online Affair?”

  1. JBS July 18, 2010 at 12:24 am #

    I DONT THINK THAT FLIRTING EVERY ONCE AN A WHILE IS A MAJOR ISSUE, I KNOW THAT MY LADY IS VERY SEXY AND GUYS FROM HER PAST ARE GOING TO APPROACH HER ONLINE, I EXPECT THERE TO BE SOME FLIRTY WORDS EXCHANGED. ITS ONLY HUMAN PLUS IT HELPS HER CONFIDEN, BUT I DO EXPECT HER RESPECT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

    • Lady December 4, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

      WOW, wt a man, I envy you pretty lady indeed

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      • Annabelle April 28, 2014 at 4:23 am #

        >black man
        >successful
        Hahah, the rate of success in clack men is ridiculously small. Get real, Whites and Asians do so much better, marrying down is what woman do when they marry a black man. Yes, love is universal and knows no boundaries, but get real, a fiscally secure life involves a white or asian man in most instances.

  2. JBS July 18, 2010 at 12:29 am #

    WHEN YOU HAVE TO CONSTANTLY MONITOR AND ERASE YOUR MESSAGES.

  3. OHHAI July 20, 2010 at 8:04 am #

    OHHAI

    FACEBOOK ALLOWED ME TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT MY WIFE

    KKTNX!

  4. aja August 22, 2010 at 11:49 am #

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  5. Cheaters bite October 19, 2010 at 8:31 am #

    Aja is a great restaurant..
    Capitalize NBC Universal, just sayin.

    Crazy stories, FB helping expose the inevitable earlier :(

  6. christian December 15, 2010 at 2:06 am #

    hellow

  7. Hurt by Cheater January 3, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Flirting is cheating if you are in a relationship. It is lusting after someone that belongs to someone else. When a person can’t give up ex-lovers something is definitely missing in their relationship.————-

    • jakess February 3, 2011 at 8:46 am #

      How can people belong to someone else? I thought that was slavery? Flirting is not cheating

      • john May 18, 2011 at 7:16 am #

        you must be singel? when you are married to someone you or them should not be flirting with anyone. its not saying they belong to you it just says they love you an respect you. an flirting is a form of cheating in the mind. if someone will flirt they will go further.

        • Matt walters February 7, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

          painful truth is hard to swallow but a lying spouse will choke your heart to death!

          • Matt Walters April 11, 2014 at 2:00 am #

            Update March 7 2014 she hooked up on facebook for a Date at some local hometown bar with a man she was close to in highschool, after a fantastic acting job and cover story of where she was going. Came home 5 hours later proclaiming the wonderful “Date” (with her girlfriend)Giddy and elated! Too bad her boy posted the meeting and now there is photos of her date, video, and an audio tape of her lying cover story! Shockingly good acting, dressed for nightclub, genuine smile, and a tone of voice I have heard a few time before on return. Can’t say anymore just yet but if she kills me, you won’t know the ending! She was looking up “Poisons” in line the next morning and I think she is capable! She worked as a nurse and brags about knowing how to “Snow” a patient that was near death.

      • Annabelle April 28, 2014 at 4:25 am #

        When you make a social contract, from paying your friends back for that drink or committing to a monogamous relationship, it is binding. Legally? No, but ethically/morally? Yes.
        Think about it like this – you date a girl, you get attached, she cheats on you and uses “well, we’re just dating it’s not like we’re committed xD” line, you’d feel hurt, yes?

    • IdahoGuy March 7, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

      Maybe if you were more secure in yourself you would not have such issues.

      Insecure women OR men need therapy.

      Why is talking to someone cheating. If you are that insecure, change yourself and make yourself more desirable get more confidence.

      Sounds like your a whipped puppy whining and wagging your tail.

      If talking to another woman is a threat, you need a huge dose of confidence.

      • Spongey March 7, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

        ^^^Maybe if someone is secure with themselves, they will break up with the loser that stays up all night chatting to an ex about how they miss the old days and other murky topics.
        *Cheating PEOPLE need therapy before they get involved in supposedly monogamous relationships.
        *Sounds like you are one of them.
        *A got a huge dose of confidence the day I kicked my online cheating ass boyfriend to the curb.
        * And guess what? He will never get the chance to pull that shit on me again.lol

      • Annabelle April 28, 2014 at 4:26 am #

        Yeah, “Fuck me while my husband is out making money to pay for my shit” is totally not cause for alarm.
        “The keys are under the doormat, hubby is on a business trip” totally innocuous.

      • Carol May 1, 2014 at 5:46 pm #

        My husband a lot of female and male friends on facebook. Out 172 friends he’s only really meet 2 of them. I don’t have an issue with him complementing on pictures of themselves. My problem is the 2 he chats with a lot with him being Honey Bear and she’s Sugar Bear with 1 and a lot “I Love You” with both of them. I walked into the room when he was on with one of them and saw what was being said. Hell yes I got pissed off, I’ve put with assholes bullshit for 39 years. He had to cool it on the computer for a couple of days. So he lied to both of them saying he was going camping for a few days. I guess your wondering how I know this, I did something I’m not terribly proud of, installed a spy program on my computer which he also uses.

  8. raven81167 January 19, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    I just found out a couple of days ago that my boyfriend is talking to an ex on Facebook and I am now having serious trust issues. He tells me that it is nothing serious but in my heart I know better. I am so hurt over this and I am thinking of leaving our relationship so he can persue whatever he needs to with this chick. I now wish that Facebook never existed. It is ruining alot of relationships

    • Elizabeth Jacques January 20, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

      I totally agree with wat u r saying(raven81167)

      • aggrivated May 22, 2011 at 6:53 am #

        Face book has become a big problem in my marriage. I agree thatvit needs to be shut down.

    • JOSSE January 25, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

      It’s funny, I’m married and my wife is the one doing all this . . . .We have a 7yr relationship, 4yrs been married and with a kid, she’s 3 turning four soon, . .

      One day she left her facebook account on and my daughter wants to see DORA, so lovely but Instead I saw a couple of messages, poems and some misleading information . . . I don’t want to think that something is going on but she mention a couple of time threatening me with a divorce . . .

      So fun, not anymore, . . . I’m still with her, maybe some more communication, patient and a way to understand things are better than nothing . . .

      Of course, she deny anything that I saw, read, or copy :)

      • think man March 5, 2011 at 8:10 am #

        she is a damn cheater.. 100 % wheather u wanna rem it or not

      • john May 18, 2011 at 7:26 am #

        i agree. shes a cheater, me an my wife have been together for 15 years an for the last 2 years she gets up an gets on the pc with a dude an stays there all day an if i say anything she will lock me out the bedroom. i have to stay cause we have a 12 year old an a 7 yeah old. an if i wasnt here i would be very woried about them. she doesnt clean house, go anywhere, talk to her family on the phone or ever on the net an goes 2 weeks without bathing an looks very depresed now from being on the net 18 hours a day with the same dude. but she always says hes just a realy good friend

        • fb user717 June 9, 2011 at 2:33 am #

          If she stays on the net and doesn’t take care of her physical appearance, doesn’t bathe etc she is depressed but it is not because she is in FB. It sounds to me like she is so hung up on the attentions she receives from this other man that she is ignoring the one she has who loves her. Most couples will hit a glitch somewhere along the line but if you made it to the 13th yr before she got all wound up about attention from men, you were doing good.
          I hate to be negative but it sounds to me like she is not happy with what she has and doesn’t care any more if she cleans up herself or the house. The fantasy of online relationships can be all consuming for some people, which is what it sounds like for her. If she is on the PC all day at least she is not out actually acting it out.
          But I do know how much it hurts to be ignored by the one we love and my prayers are with all who lose a mate to the net.

  9. Peter February 6, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    I was in hospital having a 8 hour heart op. When I czme to wife was smiling when I went home I was sitting on the coach watching tv and her siting and smiling and typing like crazy on her laptop. I said I was tired and went to bed she came along to. I woke up at 3 am walked into thew lounge and there lo and behold was a long piece of literature from some erotic site and her email was open with email after email from an old boyfriend she in her own words “stalked” on facebook. I read all the notes and love stuff between them on FB. what hurt the most was her leaving him on her FB even after I confronted her. Facebook has a dark side and cheating is probably the worst.

  10. Peter February 6, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    by the way she sat in my hospital room so obsessed she could not put her iphone down sending emails to him on facbook to even look at me never mind talk to me . Now she says he doesnt communicate anymore sure I believe that one

    • fb user717 June 9, 2011 at 2:24 am #

      I go through the same sort of bad behavior with my significant other concerning FB. Two years ago I had to have surgery twice and luckily it was outpatient both times or I would have probably laid in the hospital all alone while he typed sexy emails to women online. That is exactly what he did five minutes after we got home from surgery.
      He has always spent a lot of time online but lately it has gotten worse. So has the lying and manipulating in order to be able to try to hook up with women.

      His time online is the longest ever at this point. He is addicted to it I think. Or better yet, addicted to the attentions of women.
      As soon as he wakes up he goes to his laptop and opens it to FB. He stays on there for 12 to 16 hours a day, sometimes more. He constantly adds single women to his page and then emails them to talk sexual trash to them. Uses pet names for the ones who will pay him any attention ‘darlin’, ‘love’, ‘sweetie’, ‘honey’ etc. Its gross to say the least.
      I am not jealous of him, never have been, but for me it is about respect and trust. Lying to women and saying I allow him to sleep with other women, or that I want them to join us in the bedroom shows neither respect or trust. And this is just a small portion of the crap he does on FB. For him the site is a meat market.

      He will deny cheating on me but I know for sure he did several times when we first got together and still would if I were not with him 24/7.
      We have been living together as husband and wife for over 4 years and he has me listed as his wife but refuses to legally marry me. If any man shows any attention to me, he makes sure the man knows we are ‘married’ but he tells the women he likes that he are not married and that I made him list me as his wife, whatever!

      I had listed him as my SO but he took a fit about it because ‘men will want on your friends list’…Isn’t that laughable?! He has used the net to destroy my ego and in turn my libido and now he sits on the PC anywhere up to 20 hrs a day between FB, Topix and the sex and dating sites he thinks I don’t know about and tells everyone who will listen about what HONOR is, lol…Ummm yeah, whatever. Wont lift a finger to clean up after himself and totally ignores me unless he wants something. I wish he had never followed me to FB!!

      • k s January 26, 2014 at 6:24 am #

        sounds like you just answered your own question

  11. fruaka March 5, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    People are social quixotic individuals who derive pleasure from flirtations the very definition of flirt is consider lightly or dabble into. I sleep with my ex we dont have sexual intercoarse but my husband of five years trusts me n understands that we are close and beyond carnal attraction. If a spouse looks at their loved one with possessiveness in mind that is not a relationship its an obligation people should say and do as they please my hubby also is close with one of his ex gfs I dont care because we are bethrothed and a family a symbiosis based on mutual respect and trust.

  12. johnsgirl March 7, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I came across emails from my husband of 18 years between him and his highschool crush. Nothing terrible, just friendly, but when I asked him about them he lied. He was planning to see her, while telling me he was at work. I had intentionally avoided my first love online out of respect for hubby, but he emailed me at the time all of this was happening and I responded. i’m divorcing the lieing husband and marrying my first love. . .and happier than i’ve ever been. It’s not Facebook that’s the problem, it’s people who don’t respect their spouses or their marriages. Stay loyal or don’t stay at all.

    • Matt walters February 7, 2014 at 5:02 pm #

      As son as the lying starts you have no rerason to beleive anything! I Told my wife when we met that i have to wake each day knowing why am working so hard at loving someone. If I can’t KNOW that 100% of the time, If I have to live with knowing that honesty is first then one can never feel sure again! Having A secret chat room or secret social media site is like sneaking off to the strip joint or meat market. If one will lie about the “harmless” flirting would one lie is were far worse? I would make a plan for yourself based on what you know and not who you thought you knew!

  13. janeyc April 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    I have been married for 22 years. My husband joined facebook. He opened up his wall and managed to get 2000 friends to “help” play all these games. Well one night i went in and saw some of the things he was writing to his vampire wars “fiend”…drinking out of of each others bellybuttons..alot of “love ya’s” and apparently they “sleep together” in a coffin ever night and give each other virtual backrubs. I confronted him on this. He said it was “harmless” and i was crazy. I took him to marriage councelor who also told him to cut it out and referred him for a pshych evaluation. He has now filed for divorce from me. Our house is going up for sale and he has cut me off from all our money. I think facebook is evil. I wish it never came into my home. I can’t believe a person would choose “fake friends” over there wife and 2 children.

    • Heartbroken Again April 29, 2011 at 10:09 am #

      I agree with Janeyc. Sorry to hear about your marriage break up hun.

      I’m a gay male, and I noted that my partner of 6 years (who is much older than I am) was spending a lot of time on facebook after joining it a few months ago.

      So I joined too. Then I logged in to find some messages exchanged between him and an old ‘mate’ that is married and apparently straight. That isn’t the impression I’m getting after reading messages such as ‘missing you’ and ‘love you lots’.

      I’m now not eating and not sure if I can go on like this, even though it’s only been a couple of days since I discovered all this. In my heart of hearts I think it’s over, as my lack of respect and his complete lack of loyalty is hard to forgive and forget.

      I’m seriously thinking of somehow sending a copy of all the messages to this other bloke’s wife too. They’ve apparently been married 10 years, and I know it sounds cruel, but I want to humiliate him and ruin his relationship as he has done to what I had.

      I can’t blame Facebook solely though, as my partner is just a weak-willed, twat thinking with his dick.

      Even so, I’m heartbroken. I hate facebook now.

      • Gloria Neff September 19, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

        The same exact thing happened to me a week ago. Just found out my hubby was havingan affair online with a cousin once removed. He denied it all, but I was aware of the changes in his behavior and got to read all the email exchanges by the both of them. I did something else instead of sending copies of all the emails. Care to hear more. In therapy now. Do not know what will happen. I did contact the other person! Writye me back on my email if you care to. Maybe I can help you sort things out.

    • doris October 8, 2012 at 1:13 am #

      omg iim so there with u,my husband did the same to me im still with him and idk what to do anymore ,he started with yo ville 3 years ago ,got with this girl he told me he was leaving me for ,then he change hes mind ,he didnt want to loss his family over a fantasy so he sayed ,now he playes invu another virtual game ,hes still talks to her on yahoo and skype and is married to her on the game ,supposedly she is hes best friend ,i still have my face book because is a good way to keep in touch with my family ,but getting a bunch of friends he didnt know to play the games is how he started too,i feel ur pain,he did pick his fake friends over me and his kids ,i have told him repitedly to leave and he wont .sooo since im the bread winner i guess im stuck ,i dont want the whole cop and police drama ,i have to small girls ,anytime if u like to talk ,my name is doris leischner or u can email me ,good luck girl .

    • Carol May 1, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

      Well janeye your fist mistake, before you confront your mate about this sort of behavior you should have done some “preventive banking”. The lady at the bank had never heard this term before, but the point is you move money into accounts of yours and yours alone. She knew personally of 2 women who’s husbands cleaned out the bank accounts and split with some gal they met on Facebook. Facebook is not the problem, the problem is with people who lack self control, and don’t believe in living up to the promises they make

  14. Gets it June 14, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    It’s NOT FaceBook its the PEOPLE using it.. FaceBook can’t MAKE you do anything.. the person CHOOSES to cross the line..If you love your spouse you don’t cross the line, if you don’t.. then you do…it’s simple as that..

    • Drew August 24, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

      I totally agree. A gun does not kill people it is the heart behind the gun. I think it is the individuals responsibility to monitor their heart and withdraw from using a tool if their heart isn’t acting appropriately. Facebook is a tool that will either allow you to send sweet messages to your wife or a lewd comment to a stranger, the actions follow a thought and a thought originates in the heart. Do you need to have a heart change? Christ and help.

    • Annabelle April 28, 2014 at 4:29 am #

      This is true. However, it’s the same reasoning used by PUA – “bro if she didn’t fuck me she’d fuck someone else”. It’s opportunistic destruction of a social contract. If someone knows someone else is in a committed relationship, then as much fault lies on them as it does on the one breaking the monogamous pretext. A cheater will cheat, but if you know someone would be cheating by utilizing you, you bear as much responsibility as they do.

  15. jac3 July 6, 2011 at 7:29 am #

    Been there….done that….if you have to flirt on Facebook….and later is will become cheating….it’s because you’re missing something at home…

  16. Hurt in mass January 13, 2014 at 11:06 pm #

    I found out four days before Christmas when I walked in on him professing his love…denied everything. Then says he has enough love for us both? Can we move her out here? I am trying to save my marriage but I am thinking this is just crazy

  17. Matt walters February 7, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

    When you answer your wife’s phone and a man say “oops i thought i was calling (Your wife) I am sorry! I read on facebook that you were out of the picture and was calling her to chat!” Does it matter if the caller is sorry? Does it matter if she hasn’t actually cheated in person? When you find her looking up X husbands and ex lovers she told you about that she was never seeing again does it matter if she actually did the deed? When she deletes messages youv’e already seen and says they never existed or claims someone hacked her account and asks you to believe that this hacker friended her with her Xs that no one but her would know about, does it matter if she actually cheated? When you both decide that facebook is destroying your relationship and take down your sights and right afterwards she secretly creates two more private facebook pages for herself to keep in touch with her x boy friends and potential suitors, does it matter if she is actually screwing them? Dishonesty and deception is all that’s required to know that your spouse is a cheater in the making. If they would lie about facebook cheating would they tell the truth if it was far worse? How many secret chat rooms should your spouse have? None!

  18. Matt walters February 7, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    Cheating begins with a lie to your face.

  19. Matt Walters April 11, 2014 at 2:10 am #

    I wrote that comment feb 7. By march 7 she was meeting a man in secret at a bar and lying boldly and it was shocking the a great sense of pride and accomplishment in her tone as if she really had accomplished something to be proud of! My goal was to make her happy when I fell in love with her and it still is! So I’ll wish her good luck when she is stops lying to her self that she is happy with me!

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  21. Broken hearted June 9, 2014 at 1:12 pm #

    I caught my boyfriend internet cheating on me again! I have been sick and out of work with cancer since jan. I’ve caught him internet cheating before but never said anything to him hoping it would stop. When you tell someone you love them beyond belief spend almost every waking moment with each other and then to find out that he befriends women he doesn’t even know on Facebook and starts having inappropriate conversations with them is devastating to me in the least. Last night I see on his phone a text message from a woman I noticed all a sudden appeared out if no where and started liking almost every post of his and commenting on most if them. I heard his phone go off and thought it ed his son who had been having some issues lately and sometimes calls or texts his dad late at night. I picked up his phone expecting to see something g from his son but instead it’s a text message from the woman from Facebook saying I’m still thinking of u!!! How in the world do you think I felt? Betrayed used stupid just to name a few. I immediately got very upset and started crying he was asleep on the couch been sick all day from a terrible headache and me trying to take care of him and worry about the headache he’s had for days! When he woke up he daw I was crying ask me what was wrong after a few mins it all came spilling out. I don’t care what anyone says flirting or having I inappropriate conversations with the opposite sex is crossing the line. I don’t understand why??? We have a very intimate relationship sex is a almost nightly activity we tell each other we love the other numerous times during the day I just don’t understand!! He said it’s not crossing the line if there is no physical touching but I disagree very much. You can be intimate with the opposite sex with words and actions. He always says for every action there is a reaction and I had enough lady night. I ask him why blamed it on a weak moment because he’s not happy with his job I have told him entry of times quit the job because we have constant conversations about the utter shit that goes on there! It’s not like I have not been in his cornet for everything and I do mean everything! He said that woman doesn’t know anything about me she doesn’t even know what I look like! And this makes it ok? I’m sorry that’s pretty pathetic!! He days he is sorry and won’t ever do it again because of the way I reacted last night but I had had enough because he’s done this before he just didn’t know I knew about it. He’s just suppose to day he’s sorry and I’m just suppose to day ok and not be upset because he hasn’t crossed the line as he days because there had been no physical touching!! I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut! There is no time in my life that I would have a moment of weakness and do anything in this manner to him. I asked him if this had been me and you found this on my phone would you be upset? Would you even care? Yes is his answer! I don’t understand how he thinks I wouldn’t be upset!! The tonight has passed through my mind that maybe he’s tired of the cancer patient but then again he did this before I found out I had cancer. He has been there for me through the entire cancer thing do far and that’s the part I don’t understand. Why? What is love anymore? What is crossing the line? I was raised that this kind of behavior is love and this behavior is crossing the line. When I contacted the Facebook woman’s dr night of course she starts apologizing and says she didn’t know about me! Then she sends me a fb friend request! In my opinion she’s got some nerve!!im truly hurt by these actions. Now he says that’s going to be in my mind all the time when I see him on his phone, duh … Prove to me that I don’t have to worry about this anymore!! I called his son crying about this’ latest crap and his son was so upset and angry with his dad for this first for treating the best thing that ever happened to him according to his son and second for giving him advice about love and trust and then come to find this out! I pay the cell phone bill and this is shat I get in return!! He actually tried to say he was mad at me for calling him a liar those words never came out of my mouth!! It’s my belief that he is mad at himself for getting caught and me actually confronting him this time. Everyone tells us we are such a loving couple and we are good for each other. He has since last night deactivated his FB Account but he did that before and just started a new one but started adding women he didn’t even know. He actually denies doing this before but I tad him he has to stop lying to me and his self because I have proof but I’m not showing it to him there is no point he did it we both know it just own up to it like you say you do everything you’ve done wrong in your life! He days I over reacted with the uncontroable crying I did last night but I was very hurt I’m not allowed to react in my own way to hurt? He basically told me he was like this a long time ago but was tired if that kind of life then again why? We have been together a year and 8 months I just hope he hfs true to his word and never behaves this way again! I love him but I’m tired of this behavior and all the exaggerated stories. Oh and let me also say he just a few Sundays ago joined my mothers church and professed to be a Christian!i cried all night I feel like crap my eyes are swollen from the crying I have a sitting headache and my stomach is upset! I Ginny I’m done now sorry to all trading this but I have to try and get this off my chest!! I’m not a bible thumper by no means I am a Christian so god please heal my heart I need your helpI can’t do this alone.

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